Being a new mum of two during lockdown

I haven’t blogged in a long time, but the middle of a global pandemic seemed like as good a time as any to pick it back up and document some of this crazy we’ve found ourselves living in now. I’ve had a pretty good reason to not be blogging – the birth of my second baby! Towards the end of my pregnancy I was so tired I couldn’t be bothered to do anything outside of just getting by day to day with an active toddler, relying on the company of friends and family to fill the gaps I knew I was creating for him. If I’d known a pandemic was going to force us into our homes in the next few months maybe I’d have been less conservative but whether that would have been a good thing or not I don’t know.

Having a new baby in a pandemic is definitely odd, and I’m grateful for the month of freedom I got with my baby before lockdown was implemented. I could introduce my new baby to friends and family, and have a normal birth without fear of entering the hospital. Within that month of freedom, my husband had three weeks of paternity leave, but by the end of these I was ready for him to get back to work because I thought I had to. I knew I was relying on him more than I should have been and I wanted to find my own way of coping – what would my normal be with two under two?

There were parts of my routine pre-baby week that I wanted to keep the same – our playgroup and my guiding night, for example, and I knew I still wanted to be out of the house keeping my toddler busy. With the new baby wrapped in the sling I was able to keep doing these things, and it felt good though it wasn’t always easy. There were times when baby wanted feeding when we weren’t in a safe space for my toddler to run around, and times when my toddler wanted or needed to be carried as well as my newborn and I was short on hands. Bedtimes with only one parent were the hardest, especially with a lack of reliable routine which led to an often overtired toddler. There were nights when my baby just wouldn’t settle, my toddler screaming beside him because he wanted to sleep and couldn’t, nights when he tried to climb on top of the new baby to cuddle into me better. I really felt for my toddler in those moments; he didn’t ask for a brother and wasn’t yet gaining anything for what he’d given up.

In the hard times, it was my Mum I turned to for help, to ask for things to change. We created a plan wherein she would spend more 1:1 time with my toddler and let me have some 1:1 with the new baby that I wasn’t getting, as well as catch up on jobs in the house and pursue some of my own hobbies I’d had to leave behind. A plan that never got to happen. We had some lovely days out together where she could help give my toddler the contact and freedom that I couldn’t while I was following a newborn’s feeding schedule. But I missed him. I missed us, the us we used to be. My toddler was growing up, getting more independent and in the fewer and fewer moments he needed someone, that someone was increasingly no longer me. It was no-one’s fault, but I felt like he was slipping away from me, I needed to do some things on my own with them, even though it was hard when I did. And then, the whole world changed.

At first, not going out was hard. Going out had become my coping strategy; when four walls became too small, a quick trip to the local playground blew off the cobwebs and my toddler’s excess energy, making things easier to cope with. He could engage in activities with others and give me a break from being the entertainer. When life lacked routine, having somewhere to go made a day feel worthwhile, well spent for both of us. Lockdown has changed my perspective on that one; a day at home can be just as valuable – we’ll come back to that. To begin with, I was still driving my other half to work; usually, pre-lockdown, from there we would go on to somewhere else to spend a day or morning out and about. When we didn’t, and instead came home again, my toddler would be upset, shouting no and sometimes having a tantrum. How was he supposed to understand why we suddenly couldn’t do that anymore? I tried to plan activities in the house - play with some of the many toys that litter our living space - but it was hard with a toddler who has such a short attention span, especially when I was constantly being pulled between the needs of two.

After a week, my other half didn’t have to go to work anymore; this was the turning point. We still miss our playgroups, our toddler friends, our outside the house activities. There was so much I was looking forward to doing with both boys now that the weather is better and my baby isn’t so little and fragile anymore – swimming, farm trips, going to the beach. Above all else, we miss our extended family, my parents and in laws. But lockdown became family time we wouldn’t have otherwise had. It means I don’t have to miss my toddler anymore because my husband can take the baby sometimes, building confidence he didn’t have before in settling the baby himself. There’s no dead time travelling or waiting for things to begin, no time when he’s off playing with someone else; I’m with my toddler and/or my baby all their waking hours and it’s starting to show in both of us for the better. He’s learning so much at the moment, watching and listening to me constantly, always part of the conversation. And I’m learning how to be at home with him, how to play with him and make him laugh without it having to be a set up activity, event or place to be. Lockdown made me truly stop and listen to what he wants, to take his lead, to be a better Mum.